


My Funny Valentine

by DisneyFanatic2364



Series: A Marriage of Inconvenience [2]
Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Genre: Alastor is Bad at Feelings (Hazbin Hotel), Alastor is in Hell for a Reason (Hazbin Hotel), Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Asexual Alastor (Hazbin Hotel), Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Asexuality, Asexuality Spectrum, Cannibalism, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fake Marriage, Fluff and Angst, Hell, Hurt/Comfort, Marriage of Convenience, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Partners in Crime, Past Abuse, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Relationships, Platonic Soulmates, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Queerplatonic Relationships, Relationship of Convenience, Revenge, Soft Alastor (Hazbin Hotel), Songfic, Trauma, Valentine's Day, Valentine's Day Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-17 07:20:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29096400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DisneyFanatic2364/pseuds/DisneyFanatic2364
Summary: Valentine's Day special for "Let's Fall in Love."Alastor is prepared to celebrate his first Valentine's Day with his new wife, Tina. Anything to convince all of Hell that they are in love. But when someone from Tina's past shows up, the couple learn that they don't know each other as well as they think.WARNING: CONTAINS MENTIONS OF PAST SEXUAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE, GRAPHIC VIOLENCE, SWEARING, AND CANNIBALISM! Basically, what is expected of "Hazbin Hotel."
Relationships: Alastor (Hazbin Hotel)/Original Character(s), Alastor (Hazbin Hotel)/Original Female Character(s)
Series: A Marriage of Inconvenience [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2111838
Kudos: 28





	My Funny Valentine

**Author's Note:**

> Here's my Valentine's Day treat to you. I didn't think I was going to be finished with this so soon, but now that I'm in quarantine again, I have more free time.
> 
> Basically, this is expanding on my "Let's Fall in Love" AlastorxOC fic. I'd recommend reading that first. I also wrote another one-shot called "As Time Goes By," which actually takes place after this fic. Though it won't matter whether you read this or the other one-shot first.
> 
> WARNING: THIS STORY CONTAINS MENTIONS OF PAST SEXUAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE, GRAPHIC VIOLENCE, SWEARING, AND CANNIBALISM! Basically, what is expected of "Hazbin Hotel."
> 
> Recommended songs for this fic:
> 
> "Say That We're Sweethearts Again" by Dorothy Shay (or Harley Quinn)
> 
> "I Wanna Be Evil" by Eartha Kitt (okay, so I don't really use this song but I make a brief mention of it)
> 
> "Ain't Misbehavin'" by Louis Armstrong
> 
> "My Funny Valentine" by Frank Sinatra

_February 11th, 2000_

Valentine's Day. Alive or dead, it was quite possibly the most irritable time of the year for Alastor.

In the Land of the Living, this day was all about the needlessness of romance, something he'd avoided all his life. In Hell, it was one of the few holidays still celebrated by condemned sinners. Only instead of a Day of Love, it was more a Day of Lust. Along with cards and candy, stores sold Valentine-themed lingerie and sex toys. The cards had lewd messages and the candies were shaped like genitalia.

If Alastor had to pick the lesser of two evils, he much preferred the Valentine's Day on Earth.

But this particular Valentine's Day was different. This time, Alastor had a wife to celebrate it with.

It was but a few weeks ago that he had married Tina in order to stop Lucifer and others from pressuring him to find a partner. They had only recently returned from their honeymoon. Which had really just been the two of them holed up in the manor they now shared for two weeks, no consummation whatsoever.

See, Alastor and Tina had an agreement that their relationship would be platonic at best, devoid of any sexual intimacy. They only had to convince the public that they were hopelessly in love. In return, the singing comic received the Radio Demon's protection.

All the same, Alastor wondered if he should put his feelings for the 14th of February aside. After all, wasn't it expected that a man should get something for his wife on Valentine's Day? Even in Hell? At the very least, presenting her with a gift or performing a grand romantic gesture in public would cement the authenticity of their relationship.

But Alastor was not experienced in romantic traditions. Should he simply get her the standard flowers and chocolates? Or something more special? The suggestive window displays he passed in the street did not help his imagination.

"You're bein' awfully quiet."

Alastor blinked and looked down at the little bat demoness on his arm. He had almost forgotten the very wife he had been thinking about was walking alongside him. Valentine's Day was but three days away, yet Tina was already getting into the spirit by wearing a pink sundress. It brought out the brightness in her violet eyes, though Alastor wasn't sure the pink went well with her golden-brown fur. He didn't normally like revealing clothing, but accepted that she needed thin straps and a low back to allow room for her black leather wings. At least the skirt went to her knees and her cleavage was covered.

"It's not like ya not to be chattin' your head off," Tina said in that Alabaman accent of hers. "Ya sick or something?"

Ah, how Alastor did admire her razor-sharp wit. Fitting for a comedienne.

"Forgive me, darling," Alastor said. "This holiday is simply… _unnerving_ for me."

"No kiddin'." She cringed at a window display of heart-patterned lingerie. "Well, if you're thinkin' of what to get me for Valentine's Day, can we agree sex shop merch is off the table?"

Alastor patted the hand on his arm. "Not even a month married and you can already read my mind."

He did so love these walks through Pentagram City with her. Tina was quite the conversationalist. It had been a while since Alastor had even acknowledged the demons who would run at the sight of him, as his attention was mostly on her. The one demon who _didn't_ run away.

Tina spied a less lecherous display of red tuxedos and bowties. "Should I get _you_ something?"

"To be honest, darling," Alastor said with a groan as an imp couple went skipping by, holding hands, "if it were up to me, February 14th would be eradicated from every calendar in existence."

"But…we're _married_ now." Tina looked down at her feet. "Demons are gonna expect the Radio Demon and his wife gettin' all romantic on Valentine's Day."

Once again, she had read his thoughts. He wondered if she knew the other reason he wanted to do something for her. The fact was that Tina had proven to be a good wife so far, despite the lack of love between them. She deserved a reward for her hard work.

Tina spotted an outdoor café where demon couples were ignoring their food and staring into each other's eyes. "Maybe we could go out to dinner somewhere people can see us?"

"Not a bad idea." Alastor glanced at an assortment of heart-shaped jewelry. _How would that look around her neck?_

"Any suggestions?" Tina eyed a music store displaying records and cassette tapes. _Wonder if they have anything from the 1930s._

"None that I can think of at the present." _A feathered bonnet, perhaps?_

Another couple passed them by. This time, it was two demonesses. Their arms swung as their claws interlocked.

It amazed Tina how the world was changing and people were free to love whoever they wished. Even more so down here than up top, ironically. And yet, here _she_ was, arbitrarily married to a man of no determinant sexuality. To think she finally had a husband for Valentine's Day, and he had no romantic interest in her.

Was it so wrong that for just one day she wanted to _pretend_ their marriage held water?

"Ya know," Tina said. "Up top, people give valentines to their friends and family as well as their significant others." She looked up at him hopefully. "So, it doesn't _have_ to be weird."

Alastor widened his smile as he met her eyes. "I'll let you know when I think of something."

Suddenly, he pulled them to a stop in front of a Vodou shop.

"Oh! Wait right here, dear!" He slid his arm out of her grasp. "I won't be but a moment!"

Tina cringed at a sign that read _Love Spells, Charms and Potions_. "Don't tell me you're gettin' my valentine _here_."

"Ha-ha!" Alastor patted her head. "Of course not! I just have some business I need to attend to!"

Another thing they agreed on was that Tina wanted nothing to do with what she called his "black magic hoodoo nonsense."

"Okay, but hurry back." Tina hugged herself as she glanced shiftily down the street. "This neighborhood's full of weirdos."

"Don't worry your pretty little head, _chérie_!" He booped her nose. "I'll be back before you can say Jack Robinson!"

She smirked. "Jack Robinson."

"Ha!" He narrowed his eyes. "Don't be cute."

"So ya think I'm _cute_?" Tina framed her face with her palms and batted her eyelashes.

"Keep that up and the only valentine _you'll_ be getting is one of these dolls."

The bell above the door dinged as he entered the stop, leaving Tina to wonder if he was serious or not. It was often hard to tell with Alastor.

She waited a few seconds, until she was certain her husband was too far into the shop to see out the window. Then she dashed across the street to the music store.

Since their engagement, Alastor rarely let Tina walk the streets of Hell alone. Part of their deal was that he would protect her from demonic perverts. She didn't mind it so much, but if she was to surprise Alastor with a gift, she had to take this chance. If she hurried, she could be back before he even knew she had left her spot.

Music from the living world was hard to come by. Some artists ended up down here and recreated their work. But all other music had to be smuggled in by demons able to conjure portals, not always legally. Tina didn't know how that was possible, and quite frankly didn't care as long as it allowed her to add to her musical repertoire. Alastor may not have liked to keep up with the times, but she understood how important it was to update her act for a modern audience.

This particular music store was stocked with forty-fives, cassette tapes, CDs, even 8-tracks. Tina was curious about this new singer called Britney Spears, but she was not here to shop for herself. Besides, Alastor did not allow any technology past the 1930's, so the only thing they could play music on at home was a gramophone.

It really was a shame. Alastor was missing out on decades of great music. Thousands of songs not that different than what he was used to. Shortly before Tina had died, electro swing had taken flight. She had a feeling he might get a kick out of that, but it was probably best to take introducing new music one step at a time with an old geezer like the Radio Demon.

Tina went to the jazz section of the store and sifted through the rack of records. _What would be a good start? Judy Garland? Ella Fitzgerald? Bing Crosby?_

Then she came across one particular title and grinned. "Perfect!"

"Find what ya need, toots?"

A hairy, brown boar demon with large, yellow tusks and a round belly sat behind the cash register. He wore gray suspenders, the two top buttons of his white shirt open, exposing an unattractive bushel of brown chest hair. A cigar puffed from his lips, filling the shop with a putrid aroma. Tina put on her biggest, fakest smile.

"I'll ignore that derogatory term," she said, placing the record on the counter, "if you'll just ring me up, please, and never call me that again."

The boar squinted at her. "Don't I know ya from somewhere?"

He had a Brooklyn accent. Tina had spent most of her adulthood in New York, so the possibility was likely.

But, being the natural comedienne she was, she responded, "Hard to tell. Met a lotta pigs in my lifetime."

"Wait." The boar leaned forward and laughed. "Well, as I live and breathe! So to speak. Tina Davis, is that you?"

Tina took a step back. She'd kept her maiden name secret for a reason. Even from Alastor. There were certain people she didn't want to have to deal with in Hell. And from the way the boar spoke, he was clearly more than just a fan from her previous life.

Then she spotted his nametag and stiffened. "Wilbur? Wilbur Adelman?"

"Tina!" Wilbur stood to his full height, proving to be at least a foot taller than her. He opened up his hairy arms. "Been forever, babes! Would ya believe years of smoking finally caught up to me? Haven't seen ya since ya walked out on me for that schlep. How _is_ Ethan, anyway?"

Tina reached for her record. He slammed his four-fingered hand down and slid the record towards him.

"Uh-uh! Gotta pay for that."

Tina gripped the strap of her purse. "Was always 'bout money with ya, wasn't it, Wilbur?"

He leaned forward, puffing a ring of smoke in her face. "Don't pretend like it wasn't the same with _you_. Ya ended up down here too, didn't ya?"

She coughed and waved the smoke away. "Just let me buy the forty-five. I ain't interested in relivin' the past. Least of all with _you_."

"Hey. _You_ dumped _me_ , remember? We had a good thing goin'." He rolled his wrist. "I get ya work, ya do me a favor. Even gave ya a shoulder to cry on, on your lonely nights."

Wilbur snorted as he took out his cigar. "But _no_. Ya just _had_ to go steady with that putz. Coulda told ya he was married. Though gotta say, didn't think ya'd have the guts to bash his head in!" He laughed and shook his head. "Lost me a lotta clients, ya did. Made yourself into a real _nafka_ , didn't ya?"

Tina took out her wallet and placed a wad of cash on the counter. "Here's your money. Keep the change, since that's all ya—"

"Hold on, toots." Wilbur grabbed her arm, his claws sinking into her skin. "We were just gettin' reacquainted here."

He grinned at her, showing his old gold tooth. Tina wanted nothing more than to tear it out of his disgusting, nicotine-stained mouth.

"Ain't it funny, Wilbur?" She hoped humor would distract him. "All that talk of pigs not bein' Kosher. Well, not eatin' 'em didn't do ya much good, did it?"

He only laughed. "Still the funniest gal from Alabama, I see."

"And _you're_ still the fattest bottom-feeder from Brooklyn."

Wilbur growled. "Why, you little—"

"Ah, there you are, darling!" Alastor's voice accompanied the ringing of the shop's bell. "I wondered where you'd wandered…"

Tina took advantage of Wilbur's distraction to push his thick hand off her arm. In light of a new customer, he restrained himself. Alastor stood in the doorway, a paper bag tucked in his arm. He glanced between Tina and Wilbur.

"Dearest," Alastor said, walking up to Tina's side, "is this _swine_ bothering you?"

Tina gave a small nod as she grabbed the record and slid it into her purse before Alastor could see. Wilbur sized the deer demon up, taking in his skinny form.

"Who's the _faygala_?"

Alastor raised an eyebrow. "I beg your pardon?"

Wilbur smirked, putting his cigar out on an ashtray. "That's Yiddish for _fairy_."

This wasn't the first time Alastor had been called a homosexual. It was _false_ , but he rarely let it bother him. Except when given such a negative connotation.

The Radio Demon kept up his smile and put his arm around Tina. "I _happen_ to be her _husband_."

"You're kidding." Wilbur looked down at Tina. "Miss Can't-Be-Tied-Down actually went and got herself _hitched_?" He examined Alastor's old-fashioned getup. "And for some _alter cocker_ from…what? The 1920's?"

Static crackled. Tina could feel Alastor's claws digging into her shoulder, but not enough to pierce her skin.

Alastor did his best to steady his voice. "I take it you're a recent arrival. Clearly, you have no idea as to whom you are speaking."

Wilbur wasn't intimidated in the slightest. "And _you_ don't know what two-bit hussy you've picked up."

Alastor moved Tina behind him, his static growing by the second. " _What_ did you just call my _wife_?"

"Exactly what she is." Wilbur pointed at Tina. "This one's a social climber, a heartbreaker, and a hypocrite. Once ya've given her whatever she pinned ya down for, she'll up and leave ya high and dry. That's what dames like her do to Sugar Daddies like you."

The pig pulled on his suspenders. "Only thing she's good for is in bed."

Tina looked up at Alastor. His eyes had been replaced with radio dials. His antlers were growing out of his skull. His claws stretched at his sides.

"Al? Alastor!" She grabbed his arm. "Al, stop! It's not worth it!"

The Radio Demon's eyes returned to normal as they met her pleading gaze. As much as he wanted to slice the pig into bacon strips, Tina wasn't very fond of senseless violence. And frankly, he had yet to show his more demonic form in front of her. She was one of the few beings in Hell that didn't fear him, and he didn't want that changing anytime soon.

Alastor's smile softened as his antlers and claws shrank back to their usual lengths. "I believe, darling, we've overstayed our welcome."

He replaced his arm around Tina's shoulder, pressed her tightly to his side and escorted her out of the shop.

"That's right!" Wilbur called. "Listen to the bat! Got ya wrapped around her little claw, huh? You're no better than me, toots!"

Instead of allowing the front door to close on its own, Tina kicked it shut on the way out. The bell rattled harshly inside.

"Explain to me why I can't have bacon for supper?" Alastor said, glancing back at the shop out of the corner of his eye.

"Wilbur's all talk," Tina said. "He can't do anything to me down here."

He knew that broken tone. She often lost her moxie whenever she was thinking about the sins of her past.

"I take it you and that _swine_ were acquainted in your previous lives?"

Tina nodded silently.

"Was that… _him_?"

She didn't need Alastor to clarify to whom he was referring. "No. The one I killed was named Ethan."

"But you have an animosity towards this Wilbur, correct?"

Tina bit her lip and glanced at the demons anxiously passing them.

"You needn't tell me now, sweetheart." Alastor gave her shoulder an assuring squeeze. "I still see you're quite shaken up over the encounter."

That was what she appreciated about her husband. He didn't pressure her.

"Thanks." She gave a small smile and swung her arm around his waist.

He didn't ask her to remove it. Not even when they were in the privacy of their own swamp. As they approached the wooden gazebo, Alastor scooped up a pink lily from a pad and presented it to Tina.

"Ready now?"

She accepted the flower and inhaled it. "Uh-huh."

And he always knew how to make her feel comfortable.

Tina stepped up to the gazebo and leaned against the rail. This had become their special place to talk about things plaguing their minds. Alastor leaned next to her, waiting patiently for her to speak.

"I…told ya 'bout the things I did," she began, twirling the lily between her fingers. "To get to the top."

Alastor nodded. "You did men favors."

He stated this as if it were a simple fact. Not a trace of judgment.

"Yeah, well. That all started with Wilbur Adleman." She held the flower up to her face. "He was my agent. Discovered me in this rundown diner in Birmingham. Showed me his card, said I had talent, next thing I knew I was signin' a contract and takin' the next train to New York."

Tina sighed. "Was professional at first. But it wasn't easy for Wilbur to book a female comic. Much less a black one. He said I needed to give my clients a little…incentive. I didn't know how to do that. So…he showed me."

She looked over at Alastor, expecting him to say something. But he stared at her blankly, his head tilted. A minute went by before he finally understood her implication.

"Oh."

"Yeah." She plucked a petal from the lily and tossed it into the mucky swamp water. "He was my first."

Alastor snarled. "Deplorable."

"Wouldn't've been so bad if it'd been just the once." Tina plucked two more petals and crushed them in her hand. "But he just kept comin' back. 'It ain't easy,' he'd say. 'Gotta make this worth my while,' he'd say. 'I'll cut my rate to ten percent.'"

With every line, another petal fell into the swamp.

"It wasn't all his doin'. Some nights _I'd_ come to _him_ feelin' like crap. Like I'd bombed or some vulture reporter printed some nasty rumor 'bout me. I didn't love him or anything, but… I don't know. I just wanted to forget all the shit goin' on for a short while and it was better than gettin' drunk. Didn't matter to him. Ours was still a ' _professional_ relationship,' as he called it. 'No strings attached.'"

She crushed what was left of the lily. "What a load of bullshit."

Alastor remained silent as she opened her hand and allowed the flower remnants to fall.

"Then I had a steady thing goin' with Ethan." Tina cleared her throat. "In more ways than one. So I told Wilbur that I didn't need him anymore. He didn't have a problem with me sleepin' with club managers, but he didn't like me excludin' myself to one man that wasn't him.

"Then after Ethan…died, Wilbur blacklisted me from every other establishment in town. He even tried feedin' this story to the media that my killin' Ethan hadn't been self-defense. Told everyone 'bout our scandal. Made it even harder considerin' I was…"

She stopped herself and put a hand on her stomach. "Anyway, took almost a year before I could land another gig."

Alastor gripped the rail, splintering it. He'd always been appalled by the vile acts committed against those of fairer means. To hear those that had been committed upon Tina made his blood boil in hatred for Wilbur.

"Excuse me for saying so, darling," Alastor said steadily, "but you have _very_ poor taste in men." He rubbed his chin. "Hmm. Perhaps with a little garlic butter…"

Tina snorted as she faced him. "Don't bother. Wilbur may be a pig—literally now more than ever—but he's pretty much harmless. He doesn't have the same power down here as he did up there. I just wanna let sleepin' dogs lie and move on."

" _You_ may wish to move on," he said, placing a hand on her shoulder, "but _I_ do not appreciate some bluenose hog addressing _my wife_ so vulgarly."

Tina couldn't help but smile. "You're kinda cute when you're all possessive."

He ignored how flirtatious that sounded. "I made a vow to protect you, _mon épouse_. Your honor included."

"My honor, I can defend for myself. You just worry 'bout the fights I _can't_ win." She patted the hand on her shoulder. "Sweet of ya to care, though."

"What _were_ you doing in that record shop anyhow? I thought I'd told you to wait outside."

"Now _that_ ," Tina said, smirking as she brushed his hand off, "would ruin the surprise."

Alastor tilted his head. "What surprise?"

She elbowed him as she walked past. "You'll just have to wait and see, Sugar Daddy."

Alastor turned and watched her head towards the manor. He was rarely ever surprised. That had changed since he'd met Tina. He never knew what to expect from that witty little woman. He shook his head with a laugh.

That Wilbur had been a fool to let such an entertaining gal slip through his fingers.

* * *

"That ain't funny, Al," Tina said when her husband set a plate of bacon and eggs in front of her the next morning.

"Oh, but I thought this breakfast was your favorite!" Alastor smiled innocently as he sat across from her. "Besides, can I help it if that swine gave me a craving?"

She rolled her eyes and picked up her knife and fork. "Well, if this bacon _is_ him, at least I don't have to worry 'bout bein' damned for it."

"Would I lie to you, sweetheart?" He batted his eyes.

Tina began cutting her bacon. "Too early in our marriage to tell."

Alastor shrugged. "Fair enough."

He poofed in the morning paper and sipped his coffee. He immediately spat it out as soon as he read the headline.

"Gross!" Tina pushed away her plate, now covered in backwashed coffee. "If you're gonna do a spit-take, Al, can ya not direct it towards me?"

Alastor didn't seem to hear her as his widened eyes flitted across the front page. It was _always_ worrisome when he didn't have a response.

"Everything okay?"

He blinked. Then looked at Tina. Then back at the paper. Then his hand erupted into flames, reducing the paper to ash.

"Everything's perfectly fine, darling!"

Tina crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair. "Something in the paper get ya all in a tizzy?"

"Who's in a tizzy?" His voice crackled. "I know _I'm_ certainly not!" He summoned his microphone. "How 'bout you?"

" _No, sir!_ " the mic said. " _No tizzy here!_ "

"Al." Tina narrowed her gaze. "Ya know I can just go to the newsstand and read the paper there, so ya might as well tell me what's goin' on."

Alastor squinted and attempted to stare her down. She merely stood up and leaned against the table, unblinking.

"Don't _make_ me climb over this table."

There was a record scratch. She somehow had a talent for rendering people speechless. And she didn't even have to bear her claws or fangs. Perhaps it was the way she carried herself, or the confidence in her voice. Either way, even the Radio Demon often found it difficult to argue with her.

Sighing, Alastor snapped his fingers and the ash reassembled into the newspaper. "You're not gonna like it, darling."

Tina snatched up the paper and read the headline. " _Radio Sweetheart or Radio SLUT_?!"

Underneath was a picture of Tina next to a tall, red blur she supposed to be Alastor. For some reason, the camera didn't agree with him.

She read on. " _According to an anonymous source, Tina Twinkle, famous singer and newlywed wife of Alastor the Radio Demon; was damned to Hell for bein' a modern Jezebel. Havin' seduced her married employer and murdered him in a crime of passion._

"' _If she killed one Sugar Daddy,' says our source, a lifelong friend of Miss Twinkle's, 'she'll do it again. Now there're no cops to worry 'bout.'_

" _Tina Twinkle married the Radio Demon last January 22_ _nd_ _, after a shockingly short engagement. While Miss Twinkle's ulterior motives have been contemplated, is it possible her next victim could be the Radio Demon himself? Or will_ she _be_ his _?_ "

Tina couldn't read anymore. She tore up the paper, slashing it into tiny pieces with her claws.

"Anonymous source, my foot!" She brushed the shreds off her skirt. "That bastard's doin' this all over again!"

Alastor shook his head. "I knew it would upset you. But I wouldn't worry about it, darling. Down here, your sins actually _help_ your reputation, rather than destroy it."

"That's not it." She leaned her elbows onto the table. "Al, what if _Ethan_ sees this? I know he's down here. He'll put two and two together and try to find me and take revenge for killin' him!"

"Dearest." He chuckled, his eyes glowing red. "He can _try_."

"Wilbur, why can't you just let it go?" Tina plopped her head into her hands in an attempt to stop the ache coming on. "He thinks this'll turn ya against me. That by showin' what I really am, you'll either kill or dump me. If the second one, Wilbur thinks I'll have no choice but to run back to him."

"A grave error, on his part." Alastor waved his hand. "He failed to do proper research on me. If he thinks he can intimidate me with what I already know, he has another thing—Tina?"

He stopped his rambling when he saw the state of his wife. Her claws were growing, and her bat ears were curving upward. Her head shook in her hands, her claws digging into her skull.

"Tina?" Alastor came around the table and knelt down to her. "Sweetheart?"

Her fangs stretched over her lower lip, piercing her chin.

"I know I wanted to see your demon form." He grabbed her shoulders and turned her to face him. "But you need to snap out of this before you hurt yourself, darling."

Tina's eyes had gone fully black by the time they met Alastor's. She'd only transformed once before, and Alastor knew if he didn't calm her down soon, there would be no controlling her.

"So sorry, dear." He raised his hand. "But you leave me no choice."

With that, Alastor slapped her hard across the face. Tina blinked several times. Her claws retracted, her fangs shrank back into her mouth, and her irises returned to their usual violet color.

"Forgive me, _chère_." Alastor patted her cheek. "I did not wish to strike you, but it was an emergency."

Tina sniffed as tears fell from her eyes.

"Oh, come now, dearest." He summoned a handkerchief to wipe her face. "I know it was a harsh way to bring you back to your senses—"

"No." She lightly shoved his hand away. "It's not…"

She rested her forehead onto her palm and continued to sob. "S-Sorry, I…I know there's nothin' much Wilbur can do to hurt me, it just…reminds me too much of…"

Alastor understood. No matter how strong one made oneself, the shadows of the past could never truly be erased. There were some days even the Radio Demon would find himself momentarily trapped in his horrific past. Now Tina was suffering the same emotions she'd felt the first time Wilbur had pulled a stunt like this. It didn't matter that her circumstances were different now. The old wounds had reopened.

Alastor detested Wilbur for making his wife feel so vulnerable.

"Shall I," Alastor said, tipping Tina's chin up towards his glowing gaze, " _exterminate_ this pest for you, _mon épouse_?"

Tina considered this. And she hated herself for it. But they _were_ in Hell, which meant there would be no consequences for their actions. And a messed-up part of her couldn't help but be touched that Alastor would kill someone in her honor. Like some dark, twisted prince.

Then Tina had to remind herself that this was no Gothic romance.

"No," she finally replied. "I already had _one_ person die cuz of me. I can't live with more guilt."

Alastor cupped her cheek. "His blood won't be on _your_ hands, darling."

"Please, Al." She gently took his hands and lowered them from her face. "Unless he physically attacks me, I don't want ya killin' anybody."

Because she knew he wasn't doing it for her. Wilbur had insinuated that Tina could actually take out the Radio Demon. Why else would he be so angry right now, if it wasn't due to his pride being wounded?

Alastor stared at Tina a moment, then sighed. "I won't pretend to understand your reasoning, but I'll oblige. Is there anything else then that I can do to relieve you of your misery?"

Tina blushed. "W-Well…"

She looked down at the hands she still held. The two of them really weren't supposed to be engaging in physical contact privately. Outside of what was acceptable for their relationship, of course. But Alastor hadn't said anything about their hands touching. Perhaps it was because he was wearing gloves that he didn't mind. She was never really sure what sort of contact was "acceptable" for him.

Alastor was bound to scold her for what she was about to suggest. But Tina really needed one right now. And if they were supposed to be friends, it should be okay, shouldn't it?

Wincing, Tina released her husband's hands and held out her arms to him. Alastor stiffened.

"Oh."

"Sorry." She dropped her arms. "It's stupid. I shouldn't've—"

She was silenced by Alastor throwing his arms around her in a tight hug. A bit _too_ tight. He nearly cracked her ribs. Sensing her discomfort, he eased up on his grip. Tina closed her eyes and snaked her arms around his neck.

They'd never embraced before. Alastor had only ever allowed his mother to perform such an act. It had always comforted him when he'd been upset. It was no wonder Tina had requested similar comfort from _him_.

He wasn't used to this. Comforting someone with such an intimate gesture. So, he thought of what his mother would do.

Alastor slid one arm beneath Tina's legs, lifted her up and carried her into the sitting room. She was very light. He'd learned this when he'd rescued her from rapists a month ago, but hadn't paid attention to the shape of her body then, and how well she fitted into his arms. He lowered them both onto a red loveseat, settling Tina onto his lap. She rested her head on his chest, her tears staining the lapels of his jacket.

Alastor cradled her like a parent would a child, stroking the small of her back just below her wings with one hand, the other threading through her hair. She didn't protest to any of these actions, so he gathered he was doing something right.

He began humming a song his mother used to sing. He focused only on the melody, as he had a feeling words would ruin the moment. Alastor saw Tina's lips turn up into a small smile, and he felt an unexpected warmth in his chest.

Just because he wasn't _in_ love with his wife, didn't mean he didn't _love_ her. He cared for her, at the very least. She'd brought new purpose to his existence in Hell. The Radio Demon hadn't expected the cure to his eternal boredom to be a person, but crazier things had happened.

Either way, she was his. And the Radio Demon was very territorial.

"Thank you," Tina whispered.

"For what, dear?" Alastor asked softly.

She opened her eyes. "For just bein' my friend. If we were anything more, I'd just mess it up."

He chuckled, wiping a tear with his thumb. "I'm pretty sure _I'd_ be the one to mess it up, darling."

"I know ya couldn't." She ran her hand down his arm. "Cuz ya could've taken advantage of _this_ at any time. But ya didn't."

Alastor raised an eyebrow. "Just what are you insinuating?"

"I'm sayin' it's a good thing. It means I can trust ya." She frowned. "Or…am I dumb to think that?"

His wide smile shrank into a small, sincere one. "Of course not." He smoothed out the knots in her hair. "I am not an overall trustworthy individual, but you can count on me to always be truthful with _you_." His eyes lingered on the black ring on his finger. "As I said on the day we joined our souls."

"Then promise me this." Tina settled her chin on his chest to look up at him. "If…if I ever…make ya angry…you'll keep our problems private, okay? Don't broadcast it to all of Hell."

"Never, dear." Alastor closed his ringed hand over hers. "You'll find I'm not so petty." An audible ding went off in his head. "What say we go out for lunch today? Show people how unfazed we are by this ridiculous rumor. That there'll be no domestic quarrel in this household anytime soon."

"Ya make it sound so easy."

"It is, darling!" He booped her nose. "All you have to do is keep up that lovely smile of yours, and no one will be the wiser!"

Tina giggled. "I'll tell ya _one_ thing that'll make me happy."

"Name it."

She pointed to the kitchen. "We finish our breakfast and pretend that bacon's Wilbur."

"Ha-ha!" Alastor swooped her up and carried her back into the kitchen. "I think my sense of humor is rubbing off on you!"

"Please." She rolled her eyes. "Ya had to have _had_ a sense of humor to begin with."

* * *

"Happy Valentine's Day, motherfuckers!"

The audience hooted and hollered for Tina, who looked particularly fetching in her sequin red cocktail dress. She wore matching red gloves and a headband strung with red hearts to go with the valentine theme of Mimzy's club, which was crowded tonight with couples and singles looking for a hookup.

Alastor sat in his usual booth in the corner, applauding his wife. He tried to ignore the male demons drooling over her and sending her catcalls. Even several who received dirty looks from their dates. But Alastor wasn't jealous, as Tina would tease them at best. This was her stage. She could hold her own here.

"That's right, this is it!" Tina spoke into the mic and walked across the stage. "The one saint day Lucifer's okay with! Probably an excuse to pork—uh, _pamper_ his wife. Who can blame him? Ya seen those tits?"

There were wolf whistles as Tina ran a hand along her breasts. "Enough to make a girl jealous. Oh, sorry. And _guys_."

She winked at a male crossdresser, who laughed.

"Course, if you're an emotional wreck like me—this gal knows what I'm talkin' 'bout."

Tina pointed to a lonely demoness at the bar with mascara dripping down her face. She raised her bottle of liquor and nodded.

"Ya probably have a whole _slew_ of disappointin' Valentine's Days to depress your friends with. Like this one year when I _didn't_ have someone else's husband."

Alastor covered his mouth to suppress a snicker. It didn't feel appropriate to laugh, knowing the dark implication behind that line, but its blunt delivery was amusing.

"My girlfriend in the straight sense—let's call her Cheryl—said to me," Tina placed a hand on her hip and switched to a New Yorker accent, "'Fuck men! Let's just make it a girls' night! Female independence, for the win!'"

The ladies in the club cheered as Tina raised her fist in the air.

"So Valentine's Day comes and I dress up for girls' night, thinkin' we're gonna go drinkin' at the club with all the other sad single ladies." She glanced at the crying demoness at the bar. "No offense, girl. I'm sure ya got a winnin' personality."

The sad demoness made a so-so sign, earning some laughs.

"So I put on my pumps," Tina said, miming the action, "my belt-sized mini-skirt and my bra-sized tank top. Ya know, _modest_." She paused for laughter. "So I'm all dressed up, ready to go. Then I get a call from Cheryl. The best, most loyal gal I can count on."

She put her hand up to her face like a phone and took on the New Yorker accent. "'Hi, Tina? It's me, Cheryl. The best, most loyal gal you can count on. So, ya know how we were gonna go out tonight? Just us girls? Cuz ya know, we're single? Yeah, can't do that. I got a date.'"

Tina frowned and slammed her hand-phone down on an invisible receiver. "So I thought, 'Screw women!' And went out to the club anyway, ordered like six shots of tequila, then woke up in bed with the bouncer."

"Woo!" the audience cheered.

"Don't celebrate quite yet." Tina held up a hand. "Turns out he was gay."

The crossdresser she'd called out earlier held his stomach as he fell out of his seat laughing.

"Now I get the part where he took me home and we passed out in bed together." Tina scratched her head. "But what I can never figure out is how we both ended up in feather boas and clown makeup."

Alastor slapped his knee as he pictured his wife in such a ridiculous getup.

"All thing's considered, best one-night stand of my life!" Tina held up her arms as the audience applauded. "Happy Valentine's Day, y'all! Make all the bad decisions ya want! We're already in Hell, so screw morality!"

Everyone hollered in agreement.

Alastor didn't always understand Tina's jokes, but admired how she would put her heart and soul into every performance. She had a talent for keeping the audience engaged. The women with her feminist approach, the men with her innuendos. Among other things.

Her comedic timing was on point. She carried herself with pride, but told her stories with humility, shamelessly dictating her embarrassing situations for the audience to laugh about. Whether they were true or not.

Tina waited for the clapping to die down before speaking again. "Alright, gonna be serious for a moment."

She was met with boos.

"Just for a moment, be patient!" Tina held up a finger. "I think a woman has a right to wish the man she loves a Happy Valentine's Day."

The boos quickly changed to awes.

"That's right. I'd just like to thank my husband Al for makin' this Valentine's Day less lonely." She glanced sideways at Alastor. "I mean it."

She locked gaze with him a moment, then waved. "Love ya, baby!"

The Radio Demon made sure all eyes were on him when he blew Tina a kiss. She pretended to catch it in her hand and bring it to her chest. Just as they had rehearsed.

"Sorry to say this next song _isn't_ dedicated to ya," Tina said, earning a few chuckles. "But rather, this is dedicated to a longtime ex of mine. Who I do _not_ miss." She pointed around the room. "This is also for you '90's _Batman_ fans." She gestured to her wings. "Yeah, I know. Shut up."

The band started up, and those who recognized the jazzy melody clapped and cheered. Tina sat on the edge of the stage and began to sing:

" _Life used to be a gay thing.  
_ _A filled with happiness, night and day thing_."

She held a hand to her heart.

" _It was something to have, and to hold.  
_ _But it seems that your love grew cold._ "

During the brief instrumental, Tina jumped off the stage and sashayed her way through the tables.

" _I never knew that our romance had ended,  
_ _Until you poisoned my food_."

She grabbed a bowl of dip and shoved it into a drooling demon's face.

" _And I thought it was a lark,  
_ _When you kicked me in the park_."

A demon peering at her posterior was soon met with a swift backward kick to the face.

" _But now I think it was rude_ ," Tina sang, wagging her finger at the demon cradling the eye her stiletto heel had hit.

" _I never knew that our romance had finished,  
_ _Until that bottle hit my head._ "

As the lyrics suggested, she grabbed a bottle and hit it over another demon's head. He'd been looking a little too closely at her breasts.

Tina sat back on a table between two male demons. They leaned in close.

" _Though I tried to be aloof,  
_ _When you pushed me off the roof._ "

She shoved both demons out of their seats and hopped off the table. Alastor almost felt sorry for the poor, lovesick fools. But they knew what they were getting into.

" _I feel our romance is dead_."

She made a slashing motion across her throat and stuck her tongue out to the side. Alastor couldn't get enough of the morbid humor of this song, and she played it off rather well.

" _It wouldn't have been so bad if you'd told me._ "

Tina made her way over to the sad demoness at the bar.

" _That someone had taken my place._ "

She gave the demoness and pat on the arm and slid down towards a lizard demon.

" _But no, you didn't even scold me._ "

She ran a hand under his chin. The lizard opened his jaw, his forked tongue hanging out.

" _You just tried to disfigure my face_."

Tina pulled down on his tongue hard and released it, snapping it back up. The lizard whined and held his mouth. She waved him off as she danced over to her husband's booth.

" _You'll never know how my poor heart is breaking._ "

She placed her hand over the left side of Alastor's chest. He allowed her to smooth out the wrinkle in his lapel. People were watching, after all.

" _It looks so helpless, but then  
_ _Life used to be so placid._ "

Alastor was so focused on her song that he didn't see her lean over and swipe his glass of whiskey.

" _Won't you please put down that acid?_ "

She emptied the drink over her shoulder and put the glass down. Alastor crossed his arms and scowled. But his smile was playful.

" _And say that we're sweethearts again_."

Tina winked as she skipped back to the stage. "Oh, how well I remember that night in the Circle of Wrath. That was the night ya gave me the hotfoot."

Alastor didn't hear the rest of her monologue during the musical interlude. For as he was checking the audience's reactions to their affectionate exchange, his gaze fell upon a familiar face. There was a small record scratch—Alastor made sure to keep his sound effects to a minimum during Tina's show—as he stiffened.

There, standing by the entrance, was Wilbur. He'd cleaned up since their last meeting, shaved off his chin hair and put on a black pinstripe suit and fedora. The getup reminded Alastor displeasingly of Vox, though on a more rotund figure. His yellow eyes were focused on the bat onstage, oblivious to his presence. His tusks glinted as he grinned.

Alastor didn't like that lustful look Wilbur was giving Tina. It was different from the other males in the audience. They were simply enjoying the lovely and entertaining view that was Tina. They would forget about their infatuation once the hangover hit.

But there was something malicious behind Wilbur's look. Alastor knew that look better than anyone. It was the look a predator got when he was about to take his prey.

Wilbur's eyes wandered about Tina's curves, mentally undressing her. He knew what was underneath too. At least he used to. He was probably wondering what that naked body looked like all covered in fur.

The last verse of Tina's song was drowned out of Alastor's hearing by static. Slandering his wife was one thing, but how dare that swine come in here and ogle at her like that? As if he had the right after all that he'd done to her!

The Radio Demon's claws pierced through the finish of the table. He knew what Tina had asked of him, but he couldn't hold himself back any longer. So, he downed the rest of his drink and melted into the shadows.

Just as the audience burst into applause and Tina took a bow, Wilbur felt a tug on his ankle. The clapping and cheering were so loud, no one heard him scream as he was yanked into the floor through some kind of portal.

He landed in an alley with a _thud._ Before the boar could get his bearings, a red claw clamped around his throat. He was lifted up and smashed against the wall.

" _You have absolutely no clue who you're dealing with, my friend_ ," said a deep voice distorted by static.

Wilbur saw Alastor below him. His eyes had transformed into radio dials, his yellow fangs flashing with every word he spoke.

But Wilbur, being the arrogant loudmouth he was, only smirked. As if he were witnessing a toddler's temper tantrum.

"Aw, did that little news story rile you up, Deer Boy?"

Alastor growled. " _What are you doing here?_ "

Wilbur shrugged. "Just came to see the show."

Alastor tightened his grip, his claws piercing the hard surface of the boar's skin. " _Choose your words carefully, Mr. Adelman. They might be the last words you ever say._ "

"H-Hey." Wilbur held up his hands in surrender. "We don't need to fight here. I just thought you'd like to know what kind of dame she is."

At the mention of Tina, Alastor calmed down a bit. He'd said he wouldn't kill Wilbur, no matter how badly he wanted to. His eyes turned back to normal and he loosened his grip, but still held the boar in place.

"You assume I didn't _already_ know?" Alastor had pulled back on the static, but his voice remained dangerously low. "My wife tells me everything."

"Really?" Wilbur gave a cocky grin. "So she told you 'bout me then?"

Alastor paused. "You weren't important enough to mention until the other day."

"Right. She tell you 'bout the man she killed?"

"In self-defense."

"Did ya know she wasn't the first guy she slept with for a gig?"

His claws were threatening to grow back. "At _your_ request."

"Hey, I just suggested she use whatever assets she had to get ahead. I didn't tell her to get serious with one of them schlumps. Not _my_ fault she killed him. Not _my_ fault she got knocked up and decided to—"

"What?" For a brief moment, Alastor's voice actually sounded human.

Wilbur saw the confusion in his eyes and smiled further. He'd found the jackpot.

"Ya didn't know that Ethan got her pregnant?" The boar scoffed. "She couldn't handle the kid. So she got rid of it."

Alastor's voice crackled, his free hand shaking. "You…you're lying. Tina wouldn't…she…"

"Then ya don't know her as well as ya think ya do."

Alastor dropped Wilbur and stood there stiffly. The bore was lying. He _had_ to be. Tina was no saint, but she would never do a horrid thing like that. Not to a _child_.

There were some lines not even Alastor would cross. One of them was harming a child. He'd always considered them too young and guiltless to be met with the darkness of the world. Many of the people he'd killed on Earth had been child abusers. The very idea that his wife, the woman who had filled his recent days with such delight, could be even _remotely_ compared to them.

It was unacceptable.

"That slut doesn't care 'bout anyone but herself," Wilbur said, rubbing his sore neck. "Why do ya think she's in Hell? She probably married ya so she could get big. Just like she shacked up with _me_ to get to New York."

Alastor blinked out of his thoughts to scowl down at Wilbur. "I can assure you, sir, Tina does _not_ need my assistance in _that_ department."

Further proof that he shouldn't believe a word the fool had to say. "In fact, if she hadn't gotten mixed up with swine like _you_ , I don't think she would've ended up in Hell. But no."

He grabbed Wilbur by the tie and yanked him to his feet. " _You_ made her think the only way she could make something of herself was if she sold her body and soul for her art!"

"And how is that any different from what _you_ do, Mr. Dealmaker?" Wilbur pulled his tie out of Alastor's grasp. "What did _you_ offer her?"

" _That_ ," Alastor said, poking him in the chest, "is no concern of yours. She is _mine_ now, not yours. And I dare say the bond _our_ souls share runs deeper than any contract she made with _you_."

"You poor schmuck." Wilbur shook his head. "You actually think she loves you?"

"Unlike you, I do not delude myself with such nonsense." He straightened up and dusted off his sleeves. "Tina's heart is free to give to whomever she likes."

"And what will happen on the day what you can give her isn't enough? Parasites like her don't settle. One day, someone will make her a better offer, and she'll up and leave ya like she did with me."

Alastor tightened his hands into fists. "She wouldn't do that."

Wilbur threw his head back with a laugh. "Didn't ya hear me? She's a _leech_! She needs suckers like you to feed off of! When she's done, she'll go onto the next lovesick fool. It's the only way she can get anything in this world."

"She does _not_ …need…"

Alastor trailed off as the words sank in. _She_ doesn't _need me._

Tina was a smart, tough woman. She could get by with her talent and moxie alone. Not to mention the untapped demonic powers she possessed. If she put her mind to it, she could take care of herself. One day, she would become aware of that truth. Then she'd have no use for him anymore.

Tina leaving him. Alastor didn't want to consider the possibility. He didn't want to go back to an empty house, lonely walks, dull evenings with no one but his shadows to talk to.

Now Alastor realized why Wilbur irked him so. It wasn't jealousy, or even the atrocities he'd committed against Tina. No. Wilbur represented everything Alastor feared. What Alastor might become if Tina were to ever leave him. An object of her hate.

Tina's love was not something he ever expected, but he did not think he could live with himself if she ever hated him.

Wilbur took Alastor's silence as a sign that he had won the argument. "Ah, ya see? Ya know I'm right. Nothing's ever good enough for that girl. All she wants is more. But hey."

He patted Alastor's shoulder, causing him to flinch.

"If ya ever need a drinkin' buddy," Wilbur said in a brotherly fashion, "we can drown our sorrows together. Talk 'bout how much she's fucked us both up."

Alastor's ears twitched at that vulgar word.

"I can see you're a businessman like me, both in the entertainment biz. Ya ever thought of an agent to organize your—?"

"I never lay with her."

Wilbur frowned. "What?"

" _I_ never lay with her." Alastor's eyes glowed as he looked back up at the boar, the corners of his mouth stretching to their limit. "Don't you see? She'll never leave me. Because _I_ don't play with her fragile little heart."

He stepped forward. "Since you seem to know my wife _oh_ , so well, Mr. Adelman. Tell me. What's her favorite color?"

The question threw Wilbur off-guard. "What?"

"What's her favorite color?" Alastor growled, tilting his head with a _crack_. "It's a simple question."

Wilbur blinked. "I don't know. Pink?"

" _Purple_." His claws and antlers began to grow. "What about her favorite flower? Do you know _that_?"

"Why are we—?"

" _Lilies_." He continued advancing as he slowly increased in height. "She doesn't care much for sweets and will never take sugar or honey in her tea, but _loves_ peach cobbler. She drinks her liquor straight, nothing added to it. Although she mostly performs jazz, she secretly listens to modern rock and roll when she thinks she's alone. When she plays piano, she doesn't need sheet music, but closes her eyes and lets her fingers fly across the keys with the grace of a spider. Her wit never falters, on or off stage. She can crack a joke without even trying. She may not be a morning person, but she will wake to the smell of eggs and _bacon_."

Vodou symbols flashed around Alastor's figure, his voice dropping an octave as he said that last word. Wilbur found himself backed against the wall, too spellbound to run.

"W-What does this shit have to do with anything?"

"This is everything I know about my wife. Everything I _need_ to know." His voice crackled as his spine curved. "But _you_ never bothered to learn any of that, _did you_?"

Alastor opened his mouth, revealing the sharpened, yellow fangs. The sclera of his eyes had gone from red to black.

It was then that Wilbur knew that he had chosen to mess with the wrong demon.

" _You think you're so smug, Mr. Adelman._ " Alastor spoke in a distorted voice as he grabbed the boar by the shoulders. " _But bearing false witness, manipulation, sexual coercion? Your sins are small change compared to mine._ "

Wilbur squealed like the pig he was as he was brought closer to those dripping fangs. " _Did no one mention the Radio Demon to you? Or that my diet is far from Kocher?_ "

The thing that no longer looked remotely human released one claw to summon his microphone. " _Perhaps a demonstration is in order._ "

* * *

"Boss, ya seen my husband?" Tina asked Mimzy after her set.

"Not since your show started." Mimzy jerked a thumb at the empty glass in Alastor's booth. "He left without paying for his drink."

"That doesn't sound like Alastor."

"Don't I know it."

Tina sighed. "Just take it outta my pay.

Mimzy shrugged. "Knowing Al, he wouldn't've left in such a hurry if it wasn't important."

Tina folded her arms. "He's never left in the middle of my show though."

"I sure he'll be back soon, hon." Mimzy patted her shoulder. "I know things aren't… _perfect_ tween you and Al, but there's no way he'll leave ya all by your lonesome on Valentine's Day."

"Right." Tina gave a polite smile.

"In the meantime, crowd has been asking for an encore. Ya feel up to one more song?"

"Uh, sure. Just…gimme a few minutes to freshen up."

Tina's pace was slow as she made her way to her dressing room. Ever since they'd first met, Alastor had gone to every single one of her shows. And since their engagement, he'd stay until closing to escort her home. He had insisted it was the best way to protect her from the dangers of Hell, as per their agreement.

It had annoyed her at first, having a constant bodyguard. Yes, that had been her main reason for marrying Alastor, but it made her feel weak having to rely on a man to protect her. But after a while, she'd come to like their nightly routine of walking home together. He'd compliment her on her performance, she'd criticize herself on holding for laughter for too long or what jokes she should've said instead. He'd then make a comprehensive, step-by-step recap of everything she said and did to prove how flawless she'd been. She'd then call him a kiss-up while trying to hide her blush.

Tina supposed there had been a silver lining to bumping into Wilbur again. It had reminded her of how vastly different Alastor was compared to every other man in her life. Not just his lack of sexual interest, or his unique diet, but in the way he treated her. With Wilbur and Ethan, she'd always felt trapped, dependent, like a pet that needed to obey her master without question, and would be severely punished if she tried to bite.

She didn't feel that way with Alastor. He'd occasionally tease her, but never force her into uncomfortable situations. He'd get angry sometimes, but always restrain himself around her. He didn't just talk to her, he listened. When she was upset, he'd go out of his way to make her smile. He would praise her virtues, and never judge her faults.

He was the kind of man she could learn to love. But she supposed she'd have to settle for an after-lifelong friend.

She hadn't realized just how much she appreciated him until she'd seen his booth empty.

As Tina touched up her mascara, she saw how miserable she looked in the mirror. She could hear Alastor saying, " _Smile, my dear! You're never fully dressed without one!_ "

Sighing, she put her head in her hands. "Even when he isn't here, the asshole's annoyin' the hell outta me."

Just then, someone tapped her shoulder. Thinking a stranger had entered her dressing room, Tina grabbed her left shoe and spun around, waving the heel like a knife.

But there was no one there. Just her shadow. No, not _her_ shadow. This one was too tall and skinny. And it had antlers and…eyes and a mouth?

"Oh." Tina lowered her shoe. "You're one of Al's, ain't ya?"

The shadow nodded.

"Jesus, don't sneak up on a girl like that," she said, putting her shoe back on. "So, Shadow Man, where's your boss?"

The shadow tore its hand from the wall and stretched it towards Tina. A folded piece of red paper dropped from its fingers to the floor. Tina picked it up and opened it.

She recognized Alastor's fancy, show-off calligraphy right away.

 _My Dearest Tina,  
_ _My sincerest apologies if my early departure caused you distress. I promise all will be explained.  
_ _I asked Chesterfield to escort you home. I have a special Valentine's surprise waiting for you.  
_ _Your Devoted Husband,  
_ _Alastor_

Tina supposed the affectionate tone was added in case someone else should catch a glimpse of the note, but it made her blush nonetheless.

"So corny." She folded the paper back up and slipped it into her purse. "Wonder what he's up—"

The radio on her vanity suddenly crackled to life. " _Evening, Ladies and Gentle-demons! Alastor here!_ "

Tina spun around. Alastor had given her the small, old-fashioned radio as a wedding present, so she could listen to his broadcasts at work. He didn't do them as often as he did in his glory days, but listening to music between breaks in rehearsal was calming.

" _Hope you're all having a pleasant Valentine's Day!_ " Alastor continued over the airwaves. " _Well, as pleasant as you can get in Hell._ "

There was a laugh track, which made Tina roll her eyes. She'd always told him a real comedian didn't _need_ a laugh track.

" _As you know, this year, I have my own little sweetheart to celebrate this amorous occasion with! And though our marriage has been brief, know that there is nothing that will deter me fromm protecting my little darling._ "

" _Aww!_ " said his makeshift audience.

"Really playin' up the sap there, isn't he?" Tina said to Chesterfield.

But the shadow's response was to yank on her arm, urging her to leave.

"What's _your_ problem?" She wrenched her arm back, noting the panic in those empty eye sockets.

" _To prove my point,_ " Alastor's tone suddenly became darker, " _we have a special guest with us tonight! A newcomer to Hell, Mr. Wilbur Adelman!_ "

Tina's amused expression dropped. She looked back at the shadow, who facepalmed.

" _Say hello to our listeners, Wilbur!_ "

Wilbur's scream piqued the microphone. Tina backed into the wall, Chesterfield holding her steady by the shoulders.

_He didn't._

" _Aw, no words?_ " There was no trace of sympathy in Alastor's voice. " _You had_ plenty _to say to the paper._ "

There was a whimper from Wilbur. Tina didn't dare think of what Alastor was doing to provoke that sound from him.

" _Now, I can forgive slander against_ me _. It's the price of fame in Hell. However, I don't very well appreciate slander against_ my wife _._ "

There was a loud _crunch_ , like a bone breaking. Wilbur cried out in pain.

" _I'm sorry! Fucking God, I'm sorry!_ "

" _Oh,_ now _you're sorry?_ " The audio became distorted. " _Where was that apology when my little darling was all alone all those years ago? Left to fend for herself when you kicked her to the curb? When you tarnished her reputation up top? Made her feel like used goods? Oh no, Mr. Adelman, it is not_ me _you should be apologizing to._ "

Mimzy opened the door. "Sugar, ya ready? I've been knocking for—"

Alastor's voice over the radio shut her up.

" _Now, my friend. How's about a_ real _apology?_ "

Another _crunch,_ another scream. Tina jumped. Mimzy shut the door and went to her employee's side.

" _I'm sorry! I'm sorry Tina!_ "

Alastor hummed. " _Sorry for_ what _, Mr. Adelman?_ "

" _GAH! Sorry for taking advantage of ya! Sorry for turning you into a slut! Hey! What are you doing with that—? AH!_ "

Mimzy wrapped her arm around Tina. "Sugar, you don't have to listen to—"

Tina held up a hand.

Alastor tsked. " _Even in the end, you can't bother to show her the proper respect that she deserves. You dare to call her a slut? A gold-digger? A leech?_ "

He scoffed. " _As if she_ needs _scum like_ you _to get ahead! For no one has greater talent nor wit than my Tina! She may be married to me, but she_ earned _her fame all on her own!_ "

Tina's horror subsided a little at this declaration. Did Alastor really think that about her?

" _So, let this serve as warning_ ," the static in the radio grew, the host's voice dropping to something otherworldly, " _to those who would dare to disrespect my wife._ "

There was a demonic roar, followed by a ripping of flesh. And another scream. The ladies covered their mouths. Chesterfield watched Tina dejectedly. He was supposed to prevent her from hearing this. And he had failed.

Tina couldn't believe Alastor just did that. Not only had he ignored her wishes, but he'd broadcasted his crime on live radio for all of Hell to hear.

He'd killed a man. In _her_ name.

This was different from when he'd devoured those two strangers who'd tried to rape her a month ago. He hadn't fully known her then. This was _personal_. He wanted everyone to know how offended he'd been by Wilbur's slander. That offending Tina meant offending the Radio Demon.

"You okay, hon?" Mimzy said.

In truth, Tina didn't know how to feel. A part of her was angry. Another part, relieved. And then a small, twisted part was…deeply touched.

The broadcast was still going on. The ripping of flesh, the crackling of static, the screams of agony, the sadistic chuckles. In all her emotions, there was no room for sympathy for Wilbur.

" _She's mine_ ," Alastor said in a low, animalistic growl. " _Understand? Not yours. Mine._ "

"His," Tina muttered.

Mimzy finally took the initiative to switch the radio off, cutting Wilbur's dying wail short.

"I'm sorry, hon," she said seriously. "You were bound to see this side of Al at some point. The first time isn't easy, I know. But I didn't think he'd…" She put a hand to her head. "God, Al. Why on Valentine's Day?"

Mimzy was pissed at Alastor. She'd never gotten in the way of his hobby before. Helped him, even. But to show his devotion for a woman by ripping someone apart over the airwaves? Did he think that was supposed to be _romantic_?

Tina was standing stock still, staring at the silent radio. Chesterfield waved a shadowy hand over her eyes. The poor girl was likely traumatized.

"Sweetie," Mimzy said, "if ya don't wanna go on again tonight, I wouldn't blame ya."

Tina blinked and looked at her boss, as if just noticing she was there. "Why would I do that?"

Mimzy scrunched her nose in confusion. "After all _that_ , I assume ya—"

"What, _that_?" Tina scoffed and placed her hands on her hips. "It's gonna take a lot more than _that_ to stop me from performin'. Tell Charles to get the Eartha Kitt number ready. I'll be out in five."

Chesterfield's jaw dropped. He was just as surprised as Mimzy.

"Um…" Mimzy bit her lip. "Okay. If you're sure."

She sent Tina one last wary look before stepping out. Tina then let out an exhausted sigh and looked down at the rings on her finger. One, a simple, red wedding band. The other, a blood-red diamond engraved with a radio symbol.

Both suddenly felt much heavier.

"The _fuck_ was that, Al?"

* * *

Every time Tina performed onstage, she forgot her trouble for a moment. But the moment she walked offstage, all her previous emotions would come flooding back. As she walked home that evening with that creepy, smiling shadow hovering over her, the reality of the situation finally started sinking it.

She'd already known what sort of man she'd married. What crimes he'd committed in life, what he continued to do in death. But she'd never really seen that murderous, psychopathic side of him until now.

Tina turned to the shadow on the wall. "I wasn't supposed to hear that, was I?"

Chesterfield's smile dropped. Then he shrugged.

"So, he didn't want me knowin' he broke his promise."

Chesterfield shook his head, holding out a hand as if to shake it.

" _That's_ his excuse? We didn't shake on it, so it's okay?"

The shadow shrugged again. Tina sighed.

"Well, prepare for an awkward conversation."

When she entered the manor, there was jazz music playing. She recognized it as "Ain't Misbehavin'" by Louis Armstrong. She kicked off her shoes, hung up her purse and followed the music into the dining room.

They only ever ate in there when they had company, which was rare. Even so, the table was long enough for twelve guests. Alastor was at the center of the table, his back to her, lighting a candelabrum, humming along with the gramophone.

Chesterfield detached himself from Tina and slithered up to his master. The shadow whispered in Alastor's ear and his smile widened. Alastor put out the match and faced his wife with open arms.

"Ah, _ma petite chauve-souris_! You're just in time!" He gestured to the two covered dishes on either end of the table. "Happy Valentine's Day!"

Tina didn't respond right away. Recalling how his voice in the broadcast was vastly different from the one he used now, she wasn't sure how to act around him. Should she bring it up, or play the ignorant wife? Alastor was certainly acting like nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

But the sight of the covered dishes put an ill feeling of foreboding in her stomach.

"W-What happened to eatin' out?" she managed to say.

"Given how much stress you've been under," Alastor said as he approached her, "I thought you'd appreciate the quiet of a more _private_ meal."

He bent down and settled his hand on the small of her back, just below her wings. She flinched, her breath hitching. Alastor promptly retracted his hand.

 _Odd_ , he thought. They'd made a deal to respect each other's boundaries, but he'd touched her there before, and she'd never reacted _that_ way.

"Right then." He took a step back and bowed, his arm out to the table. "Shall we?"

Tina knew he'd ask questions if she didn't comply. So, she put on a smile and approached the table. Alastor held out the chair at the far end for her, like the gentleman he was.

She couldn't believe she'd once fancied that act to be genuine.

She watched him warily as she sat down and he pushed the chair back in. Beside the covered dish was a red napkin, a soup spoon and a glass of wine. Which looked a little _too_ red.

Alastor removed the cover from the dish with a flair. " _Bon appétit_!"

The smell of meat hit Tina's nostrils. Before her was a bowl of stew made of vegetables and chunks of…

"W-What kind of meat is this?"

Alastor's grin widened as he set the cover aside. "Pork."

Tina's mouth twisted as she stared at the pork, studying its brownish color. It was probably her imagination, but she could've sworn there was hair on it.

Alastor hummed as he walked to the other end of the table. He sat down, fanned out his napkin and lay it across his lap. He then lifted the cover from his dish and inhaled the scent. His eyes rolled back as if he'd just taken a snort of opium.

Then he took his spoon and scooped up a meat chunk the size of a golf ball. He opened his maw, showing all his fangs, and closed his lips around the spoon. He did this all daintily, his elbows just off the edge of the table and everything.

Tina sat there, watching him. He was so calm, and she was too shocked to move.

_He's fucking serious._

She looked back down at the steaming bowl of meat. The meat that had once been on the bones of someone she knew. How could Alastor eat this so casually, as if it were no different from regular pork?

Tina had to cover her mouth to prevent herself from hurling.

After swallowing his second bite, Alastor watched her expectantly. "Something wrong, dear?"

That was the last straw. She could forgive him for killing Wilbur, but there was _no way_ she was eating this!

Tina hardened her face into a scowl.

"Yeah, something's wrong." She pushed the bowl away. "What kind of gullible dingbat do ya take me for?"

"Whatever do you mean?" Alastor asked as he took another bite.

"Al." She leaned back and crossed her arms. "I have a radio in my dressin' room."

The music stopped abruptly. Alastor held the spoon in his mouth as he met her gaze. Betrayal and hurt dulled her violet eyes. He slowly removed the spoon and swallowed.

"You heard, then." He glanced sideways at his shadow, who gave a shameful pout.

"Course I heard," Tina said bitterly. "All of Hell heard."

Alastor put down his spoon and dabbed his mouth with his napkin. "Are you angry with me?"

Despite the smile, there was something broken about his voice. Like the last thing he'd wanted to do was to anger her. It made her expression soften somewhat.

"'Bout killin' Wilbur?" She glanced at her bowl. "Surprisingly, no. But come on, Al." She straightened in her seat. "Feedin' him to me afterwards? That's just messed up."

He sighed. "I won't argue with you there."

" _And_ I'm bummed that ya killed him after I told ya not to." She held up a hand. "I know we didn't shake on it, but…I thought we agreed we were gonna be honest with each other, Al."

"I know, dear." He propped his elbows onto the table and laced his fingers together. "For that, I apologize."

"So." Tina leaned her folded arms onto the table. "Why'd ya do it?"

"I thought my broadcast was clear."

She leaned further. "Why'd ya _really_ do it?"

Alastor couldn't help but chuckle at her determination. That's what he got for choosing a smart wife.

"To be perfectly honest," he said, settling his chin onto his entwined hands, "he was getting on my nerves."

"I see." She nodded. "Hurt your pride, did he?"

Alastor's shoulders tensed. "In a way, yes."

"What'd that loudmouth say to set ya off?"

He opened his mouth, but stopped himself. Should he mention what Wilbur had said about her child? If it were false, Tina might be furious at Alastor for believing such a lie. But if it were true…

He didn't know how he'd feel about that. He didn't _want_ to know.

"Well?" Tina pressed him.

"I'm not sure you'd want me to repeat it, darling."

"He's dead." She gestured to the stew. "What do his words matter now?"

"Then why ask them of me?"

"Al, just tell me before I throw this meat mush in your face."

She'd do it too.

Alastor sighed. "He called you a leech."

"He's not the first." She pointed to her bat fangs.

"There's more." He lowered his hands. "He said that…you're only with me for sustenance. That once a better offer comes along, you'll leave me as you did him."

Tina blinked. "And you believed that crap?"

"I discovered you." The static in his voice faded as he went on. "I made you an offer of advancement, in exchange for a nonconventional relationship. Tell me the situation isn't similar."

"Jesus." She put her head in her hands. "Al, you're nothing like Wilbur."

"Aren't I?"

She looked back up at him. The corners of his mouth twitched as his smile threatened to leave.

"You're serious? Ya killed Wilbur cuz you're worried he might be right about me leavin' ya?"

He shrugged. "Was he wrong?"

Tina sighed. "Look. This whole… _thing_ between us is weird. No doubt. And even after today, if I had to choose between bein' in a sexual relationship with a manipulative agent, and a loveless marriage with a psychopathic cannibal…"

She paused, processing what she'd just said. "Point is, I'd _still_ rather be with you than any other bastard in Hell."

Alastor raised an eyebrow. "That…isn't a very reassuring argument, my dear."

"I think the better question is," she said, biting her lip, "if…if I _were_ to leave, would ya…?"

Her eyes fell upon what used to be Wilbur.

"Aw, sweetheart." Alastor shook his head. "I wouldn't _dream_ of reducing to something less of what you are. Not _you_."

"But would ya be mad?" Tina asked, still avoiding his gaze. "Would ya…force me to stay or something?"

His smile shrank. " _Are_ you thinking of leaving?"

"What do ya want me to say, Al?" She ran a hand through her hair. "That I'm perfectly okay with ya murderin' my exes behind my back?"

"You knew what I was when you married me," he said bluntly. "I killed two men in front of you."

"Yeah, but it's different when ya kill someone in _my_ _name_. And then serve him up to me in a stew thinkin' I'll be none the wiser."

"If that's what you're worried about, darling, you can be assured that what you have there in front of you is, in actuality, pork. Nothing more."

She lifted her head. "What?"

"I told you before," Alastor said, picking up his spoon. "I would never force my dietary habits on you." He stirred his stew. " _My_ bowl, on the other hand, is one-hundred-percent boar demon. Oopsie."

He scooped out a golden tooth. "How did that get in there?"

Tina snorted. Alastor raised an eyebrow at her. She quickly covered her mouth, hoping he wouldn't see the smile forming.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, dear," Alastor said, lowering his spoon, "but by any chance did you… _enjoy_ my broadcast?"

She turned her face away. "Maybe…a little?"

He showed his teeth and leaned onto his palm. "So, after all that, you're actually _satisfied_ that I've erased this _swine_ from your life. And you took _pleasure_ in listening to his demise?"

He teleported next to her and whispered in her ear. " _How very interesting._ "

Tina jumped and shoved his face away. "Okay, okay, so what if I _am_ glad ya killed him? Ya didn't need to scare me like that with this fuckin' cannibal tease!"

"Forgive me, _chérie_." He booped her nose. "I was much too curious to see what your reaction might be."

She blinked. "Hold on. Did…did ya _know_ I'd figure this out?"

He rolled his wrist. "I predicted five possible outcomes to this. You figured it out in four of them."

She raised an eyebrow. "Ya think I'm _that_ smart?"

"I don't doubt it."

She glanced at her bowl. "And what if I _hadn't_ figured it out?"

He shrugged. "Precisely why I made yours with _real_ pork."

She pushed the bowl further away. "All the same, I think I've lost my appetite for meat tonight."

"I thought you might say that." He snapped his fingers. "That's why I also fried up some green tomatoes as a backup."

The bowl of stew was replaced with a plate of bread-crusted, fried green tomatoes, along with a knife and fork. Just like her mother had taught her to make.

Slapping herself in the forehead, Tina released a squeaky laugh.

"You find this amusing?" Alastor tilted his head.

"I just…" She wiped away a tear. "How…how could ya believe a word Wilbur says, when ya know me so well?"

Alastor's lips fell over his teeth. She was right. He _did_ know her. That was what set him apart from Wilbur. Alastor hadn't married Tina thinking she was a perfect angel. No, he knew her faults as well as her virtues. He knew what made her happy, what made her sad, what made her angry. And that was how he knew Tina would never leave him.

How could he have ever doubted her?

"Next Valentine's Day, though," Tina said once she'd calmed down, "no radio massacres or…macabre dinners. Just get me flowers."

He scoffed and snapped his fingers. "Why didn't you say so sooner?"

A vase of lilies appeared behind her plate.

"Ya know Wilbur never knew these were my favorite?" Tina said, pointing to the vase. "He'd just get me plain old red roses, and wouldn't even remove the thorns."

Alastor tsked. "He didn't know you at all, dear."

He was about to make his way back round the table when she grabbed his sleeve. "Ya said something on the radio. 'Bout me…not needin' a man to get ahead. Did ya mean it? Or was that just part of the show?"

Alastor looked back at her. He'd agreed to be honest with her, but there were still some things he couldn't admit quite yet. Like the fact that she didn't need him.

"What do _you_ think?"

She released his sleeve. "I think you put too much faith in me."

She wasn't wrong there. It was for this very reason he didn't ask her about her possible child. But he was sure, when she was ready, she would tell him the whole story.

Just as he would one day be ready to tell _his_ story.

"Oh!" Tina stood up. "I almost forgot! Be right back."

She dashed out of the dining room. Alastor retook his seat and waited patiently. She returned a few minutes later with an old record.

"This is why I was in Wilbur's shop the other day." She carried it over to the gramophone. "Wanted to show ya some of the stuff ya missed the last few decades."

Tina switched out the records and lowered the needle. A slow, jazzy melody played and a velvety male voice sang:

" _My funny valentine,  
_ _Sweet comic valentine  
_ _You make me smile with my heart._ "

Alastor hummed in approval. The style of music was similar to his time.

" _Your looks are laughable,  
_ _Un-photographical,  
_ _Yet you're my favorite work of art._ "

"Who's the singer?" Alastor asked.

"Frank Sinatra," Tina said as she sat back down. "A little after your time, but he made some of the best jazz covers ever."

"I see why you talk of him so often. You ever going to introduce me to 'Tina?'"

He was referring to the song that was her namesake.

Tina smirked. "Not sure I can trust you with that just yet."

"Alright, I deserve that."

Alastor picked up his spoon and continued to eat. Tina wasn't so disgusted anymore, but now there was a new problem.

The vase was blocking her view of Alastor. The table put too great a distance between them. How had she not noticed this great divide before?

Decidedly, Tina picked up her plate and glass and moved herself down the table. Alastor paused in his eating to watch her. She took the seat right beside him.

"Easier to talk this way, ya know?" she said, spreading her napkin over her lap.

Alastor widened his grin and lifted his glass. "Happy Valentine's Day, _mon épouse_."

As Tina clinked her glass with his, she eyed the red liquid suspiciously. Her drink was a shade lighter than Alastor's.

"Yes, it's wine," he said with a chuckle.

"Ya sure?"

He brought his glass to his lips. " _Yours_ is."

Tina stared at him as he closed his eyes and took a long, savoring sip. This was a part of him that was certainly going to take some getting used to.

"You're really scary sometimes, ya know that?"

His eyes opened halfway. "Does that bother you?"

She shook her head. " _That's_ what scares me."

He laughed. "You really are my funny valentine, aren't you?"

Tina raised her glass before taking a sip. "Get used to it."

They were so early into this marriage. A wall stood between them, keeping so many secrets from crossing. But as they ate their meal and listened to Frank Sinatra sing the last verse, that wall felt thinner, as if some of the bricks had been taken down. They still had a long way to go.

But for now, they felt as if they were right where they needed to be.

" _But don't change your hair for me,  
_ _Not if you care for me,_  
 _Stay, little valentine, stay.  
_ _Each day is Valentine's Day._ "

**Author's Note:**

> As Alastor said, I had about five different ideas for how this last scene should go. I hope the one I went with works.
> 
> Happy Valentine's Day!


End file.
